MomSkoop
Have you ever found yourself reacting strongly to something, only to be told you’re overreacting or being crazy?
Abusers often use sneaky tricks called trigger setups to push your buttons on purpose. They provoke you until you snap, then turn around and act like they’re the innocent one who’s been hurt.
Understanding these manipulation tactics can help you spot them early and protect yourself from emotional harm.
1. Baiting: The Intentional Provocation Trap
Imagine someone poking you over and over until you finally swat their hand away, then they cry that you hit them. Baiting works exactly like this. An abuser will purposely say or do things they know will upset you, targeting your sensitive spots with surgical precision.
They might bring up past mistakes, insult things you care about, or make snide comments disguised as jokes. The goal is simple: get you to react emotionally so they can point fingers and say you’re unstable or aggressive.
When you finally respond with anger or frustration, they act shocked and hurt. Suddenly, they’re the victim of your outburst, and everyone forgets they spent the last hour needling you. Recognizing baiting helps you choose not to take the bait.
2. Gaslighting: Rewriting Reality to Confuse You
Your memory says one thing happened, but they insist something completely different occurred. Gaslighting makes you question your own mind and memories. Abusers deny conversations happened, claim you said things you never did, or insist events unfolded differently than you remember.
Over time, this constant contradiction erodes your confidence in your own perception. You start second-guessing everything, wondering if maybe you really are forgetful or confused. That’s exactly what they want.
When you react with frustration to being told your reality is false, they paint you as irrational or unstable. They’ve successfully made you the problem while escaping accountability for their actions. Trust your memory and keep records when something feels off.
3. Projection: Accusing You of Their Own Behavior
Ever notice how the person who’s actually lying keeps accusing you of being dishonest? That’s projection at work. Abusers take their own negative traits, behaviors, or feelings and flip them onto you like a hot potato they don’t want to hold.
If they’re cheating, they’ll constantly accuse you of being unfaithful. When they’re manipulative, they’ll claim you’re trying to control them. It’s a psychological defense mechanism that lets them avoid looking at their own flaws.
When you defend yourself against these false accusations, your emotional response becomes their evidence that you’re guilty. They’ve created a no-win situation where your reaction proves their point. Recognizing projection helps you see through this confusing tactic.
4. Triangulation: Using Others to Rile You Up
Instead of talking directly to you, they bring other people into your private issues. Triangulation involves pulling in friends, family, or even strangers to create drama and make you feel ganged up on. They might compare you unfavorably to an ex or get their mom involved in your arguments.
This tactic serves multiple purposes: it validates their perspective, makes you feel outnumbered, and creates witnesses to your eventual reaction. You’re now defending yourself on multiple fronts, which is exhausting and overwhelming.
When you finally explode from the stress of being attacked from all sides, they point to your outburst as proof you’re the unreasonable one. The triangle collapses with you at the bottom, looking like the villain.
5. Silent Treatment: The Weapon of Withdrawal
Nothing hurts quite like being ignored by someone you care about. The silent treatment is emotional abandonment used as punishment. They shut you out completely, refusing to speak, acknowledge your presence, or respond to attempts at communication.
This isn’t taking healthy space to cool down; it’s a calculated move to make you feel anxious, rejected, and desperate for reconnection. You’re left wondering what you did wrong, walking on eggshells, trying everything to get them to talk again.
When you finally break down emotionally or react with frustration to being frozen out, they emerge to label you as dramatic or needy. They’ve punished you with silence, then blamed you for not handling it well. Healthy communication never involves weaponized withdrawal.
6. Escalation Then Minimization: Making Mountains Into Molehills
They blow up over something small, creating chaos and fear with their intense reaction. Maybe they scream, throw things, or say cruel words that cut deep. The atmosphere becomes terrifying, and you’re left shaken and hurt by the explosion.
Later, when you try to address what happened, they act like it was no big deal. They minimize their behavior, saying you’re too sensitive or that they were just a little upset. Suddenly, your legitimate hurt feelings are the problem, not their harmful actions.
If you express ongoing pain or anger about the incident, they flip the script entirely. Now they’re the victim of your inability to let things go. Your reasonable reaction to their unreasonable behavior becomes evidence of your flaws.
7. Blame-Shifting: Making Everything Your Fault
No matter what they do wrong, somehow it circles back to being your fault. Blame-shifting is the art of dodging responsibility by making you the scapegoat for their choices and actions. They cheated because you didn’t pay enough attention. They yelled because you made them angry.
This tactic removes all accountability from their shoulders and dumps it squarely on yours. You end up apologizing for things you didn’t do and taking responsibility for their bad behavior. It’s exhausting and deeply unfair.
When you push back against this unfair blame, they use your defensiveness as more evidence that you’re the problem. You can’t win because the game is rigged. Healthy people own their mistakes without making excuses or pointing fingers elsewhere.
8. Playing the Wounded Victim: The Innocence Act
After pushing every button you have, they suddenly transform into the most wounded, innocent creature on earth. Their eyes well up with tears, their voice shakes, and they talk about how hurt they are by your reaction to their abuse. It’s an Oscar-worthy performance.
This victim act is designed to make you feel guilty for standing up for yourself. Suddenly, defending your boundaries makes you look like the aggressor, and they’re just a poor soul who’s been attacked. Others who witness this may even rally to their defense.
Your justified anger or hurt feelings get buried under their theatrical display of pain. You might even end up comforting them after they hurt you. Remember, real victims don’t strategically play victim only when accountability arrives.
9. Impossible Expectations: The Double-Bind Trap
They want you to be independent but get angry when you make decisions without them. They criticize you for not speaking up, then punish you when you do. These contradictory demands create a double-bind where you literally cannot win no matter what choice you make.
The purpose is to keep you off-balance, anxious, and constantly trying to please them. You’re always failing by their standards because their standards are designed to be impossible. It’s a rigged game where failure is the only outcome.
When you express frustration about these conflicting demands, they act bewildered and hurt that you’re making such a big deal out of nothing. Your confusion and stress become evidence you’re difficult or unstable, not that they’re being unreasonable.
10. Public Shaming Then Claiming Misunderstanding
They humiliate you in front of friends, family, or even strangers, making jokes at your expense or sharing private information that embarrasses you. The public nature of the attack makes it exponentially more painful and harder to address in the moment.
When you confront them later or react with visible hurt or anger, they claim it was just a joke or that you misunderstood their intentions. They say you’re too sensitive and can’t take a little teasing. Suddenly, your embarrassment is a character flaw.
If others witnessed your emotional reaction but not the full context of the humiliation, you look like you overreacted to something harmless. They’ve successfully made you the problem while escaping responsibility for deliberately embarrassing you. Public attacks require public accountability.