12 Phrases Defensive People Use to Avoid Taking Blame

Ever notice how some people twist conversations when they mess up? Instead of owning their mistakes, they use specific phrases that shift blame away from themselves. These defensive statements can leave you feeling confused, hurt, or even questioning your own reality.

Understanding these patterns helps you recognize when someone is dodging responsibility and protects you from doubting your own feelings.

1. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

This sounds like an apology, but it’s actually a dodge. It shifts focus from their action to your reaction, removing any real accountability. When someone says this, they’re not taking ownership of what they did wrong.

Instead, they’re pointing at your emotions as if those are the problem. Real apologies acknowledge specific actions and their effects. They sound more like “I’m sorry I said that” rather than making your feelings the center of attention.

2. “That’s not what I meant.”

Instead of acknowledging the impact of their words, they defend their intent, which invalidates your experience and ends the conversation. Intent versus impact is a crucial distinction that defensive people often hide behind. Sure, maybe they didn’t plan to hurt you, but that doesn’t erase the harm caused.

When someone immediately jumps to explaining what they meant, they’re avoiding responsibility for what actually happened. Mature communication involves recognizing that good intentions don’t cancel out negative effects.

A better response would acknowledge both: “I didn’t mean to hurt you, and I see now that I did.”

3. “You’re overreacting.”

Translation: Your emotions make me uncomfortable, so I’ll discredit them instead. A classic deflection tactic that puts the spotlight on your response rather than their behavior.

Defensive individuals use this when they can’t handle the emotional weight of what they’ve done. Rather than sitting with discomfort, they minimize your reaction to protect themselves.

When someone uses this phrase, they’re essentially asking you to shrink yourself so they don’t have to grow.

4. “I was just joking.”

Used when someone crosses a line, this phrase tries to erase harm by rebranding it as humor, making you feel uptight for being hurt. It’s a clever way to flip the script.

Jokes can definitely land wrong, and when they do, the right move is acknowledging it. Hiding behind humor as a shield prevents real communication and growth.

If something hurt you, it hurt you — whether they were joking or not. Don’t let this phrase make you doubt your right to feel upset.

5. “You’re too sensitive.”

Defensive people often minimize feelings to avoid owning their behavior. This one especially stings because it flips blame back onto you, making your emotional response the problem rather than their actions. It’s a form of character attack disguised as observation.

Being called “too sensitive” suggests there’s something wrong with you for having feelings. In reality, sensitivity is often a strength, not a weakness.

People who use this phrase want you to stop expressing hurt so they can avoid accountability. They’d rather change how you react than change how they behave. Don’t fall for it.

6. “Well, you do it too.”

Instead of addressing what they did wrong, they drag you into it. It’s called deflective projection. Even if you’ve made similar mistakes, that doesn’t erase what happened right now.

Mature people can accept feedback without bringing up your past mistakes. They understand that two wrongs don’t make a right and that each situation deserves its own attention and resolution.

7. “That’s not what happened.”

Gaslighting in disguise. They rewrite events to protect their ego, even if you both know the truth about what actually occurred. This phrase makes you question your own memory and perception of reality.

When someone flat-out denies your version of events, it’s deeply unsettling. You start wondering if maybe you remembered wrong or misunderstood the situation entirely.

Trust your memory and your experience. If someone consistently tells you that your recollection is wrong, they’re more interested in protecting themselves than being honest.

8. “Can we not do this right now?”

Sometimes said calmly, but it’s often a strategy to shut the conversation down entirely rather than revisit it later. Timing can be legitimate — not every moment is right for difficult talks. But defensive people use this phrase to permanently avoid discussions.

Pay attention to whether they actually circle back. If “not right now” becomes “not ever,” you’ve identified avoidance, not postponement.

If someone repeatedly refuses to discuss problems, they’re choosing comfort over resolution. That pattern reveals their priorities clearly.

9. “You’re making me look like the bad guy.”

Instead of addressing the hurt they caused, they shift focus to how they feel accused — turning vulnerability into victimhood. This phrase centers their discomfort with being called out rather than your actual pain. It’s emotional manipulation at its finest.

When you bring up legitimate concerns, you’re not “making” them anything. You’re simply describing your experience and how their actions affected you.

Defensive people can’t tolerate looking imperfect, so they reframe accountability as persecution. They’d rather play the victim than admit fault.

10. “I don’t want to argue.”

Sounds healthy, right? But often, it’s used as an escape hatch when accountability feels too heavy to bear. While avoiding unnecessary conflict is wise, this phrase frequently shuts down necessary conversations that need to happen.

Discussing hurt feelings or problematic behavior isn’t arguing — it’s communicating. Defensive people conflate the two to avoid discomfort.

Real resolution requires some discomfort and honest discussion. When someone refuses to engage because they label everything as “arguing,” they’re choosing avoidance over growth and connection.

11. “That’s not fair.”

Defensive individuals view accountability through a lens of fairness rather than accuracy. They’re more concerned with whether feedback feels balanced than whether it’s true.

This phrase suggests you’re being unreasonable or harsh rather than simply honest about your experience.

But relationships aren’t courtrooms where everything needs equal representation. Sometimes one person messes up more, and that’s okay to acknowledge. Calling feedback “unfair” is often just another way to avoid looking inward and making necessary changes.

12. “I didn’t do anything wrong.”

Blame denial 101. When someone can’t tolerate being imperfect, they’ll double down instead of reflecting on their actions or considering another perspective. This absolute statement leaves no room for nuance, growth, or understanding.

Admitting mistakes requires humility and emotional maturity. Defensive people lack both, so they build walls instead of bridges.

Nobody is perfect, and everyone messes up sometimes. People who insist they “didn’t do anything wrong” are protecting their ego at the expense of relationships. They value being right over being connected, which ultimately leaves them isolated and unable to grow.