MomSkoop
When a narcissist feels their power slipping away, their behavior can become unpredictable and sometimes frightening. Understanding how they react when losing control helps you protect yourself and recognize manipulation tactics. Whether you’re dealing with a partner, family member, or coworker, knowing these common responses can prepare you for what might come next and help you stay emotionally safe.
1. Explosive Anger and Narcissistic Rage
Narcissists often explode with intense anger when they feel their authority challenged. This rage isn’t like normal anger—it’s disproportionate, scary, and designed to make you back down immediately. You might witness yelling, name-calling, or even physical intimidation that seems to come out of nowhere.
The purpose behind this outburst is simple: to regain dominance through fear. They want you feeling too scared to ever challenge them again. Their fury can be so overwhelming that you forget what you were even discussing.
Remember that this rage isn’t really about you or your actions. It’s about their desperate need to maintain power and control in the relationship.
2. Gaslighting and Distorting Reality
When cornered, narcissists will twist facts and deny things they clearly said or did. They’ll insist conversations never happened, that you’re remembering things wrong, or that you’re being overly sensitive. This tactic makes you question your own memory and sanity.
Gaslighting is particularly dangerous because it erodes your confidence over time. You start doubting yourself constantly and relying on them to tell you what’s real. They might say things like “That never happened” or “You’re imagining things” even when you have proof.
Trust your instincts and keep records of important conversations. Your reality is valid, no matter how much they try convincing you otherwise.
3. Blaming Others and Projection
Nothing is ever a narcissist’s fault—at least in their mind. They’ll blame you, their boss, their parents, or complete strangers for problems they created themselves. This deflection protects their fragile ego from any criticism or accountability.
Projection takes this further: they accuse you of the exact behaviors they’re guilty of. If they’re being dishonest, they’ll call you a liar. If they’re cheating, they’ll accuse you of infidelity. It’s a bizarre reversal that leaves you defending yourself against false accusations.
Recognize that their accusations often reveal their own hidden behaviors. Don’t accept blame for things you didn’t do, no matter how convincing they sound.
4. Playing the Victim Card
Suddenly, the person who’s been hurting you becomes the wounded party. Narcissists are masters at flipping scripts and portraying themselves as misunderstood victims. They’ll cry, act helpless, or tell sob stories about how terribly everyone treats them.
This manipulation tactic works because most people have compassion for those who seem hurt. You might find yourself comforting them instead of addressing your legitimate concerns. They use your empathy against you to avoid accountability.
Notice how quickly they shift from aggressor to victim when confronted. Real victims don’t constantly change roles depending on what benefits them most in the moment.
5. Silent Treatment and Stonewalling
One of the cruelest tactics is simply shutting you out completely. They’ll refuse to speak, acknowledge your presence, or respond to messages for days or even weeks. This silent treatment is designed to punish you for displeasing them.
Stonewalling leaves you anxious and desperate to fix things, even when you did nothing wrong. You might find yourself apologizing just to end the painful silence. They withhold communication as a weapon, knowing it causes emotional distress.
Understand that healthy people discuss problems rather than shutting down. Their silence is manipulation, not a legitimate coping strategy for conflict resolution.
6. Smear Campaigns and Character Assassination
Narcissists will spread lies and rumors about you to friends, family, and coworkers when they feel threatened. They paint themselves as innocent victims while portraying you as crazy, abusive, or unstable. This character assassination damages your reputation and isolates you socially.
These smear campaigns often begin before you even realize there’s a problem. They’re building their narrative and recruiting allies who will support their version of events. People who once liked you suddenly act cold or distant.
Stay calm and dignified rather than engaging in mudslinging. True friends will eventually see through the lies, and your character will speak for itself over time.
7. Hoovering to Pull You Back In
Named after the vacuum cleaner brand, hoovering describes attempts to suck you back into the relationship. After periods of cruelty or silence, they suddenly become charming and attentive again. They might send nostalgic messages, show up unexpectedly, or make grand promises about changing.
This behavior isn’t genuine remorse—it’s panic about losing their source of attention and control. They’ll say exactly what you want to hear, remembering your weaknesses and vulnerabilities. The goal is getting you back under their influence.
Recognize hoovering for what it is: manipulation, not love. Real change requires consistent effort over time, not just sweet words when they need something.
8. Love-Bombing and Excessive Charm
Suddenly, you’re showered with compliments, gifts, affection, and constant attention. Love-bombing feels wonderful at first—like you’ve finally gotten the relationship you deserve. They act like you’re the most amazing person they’ve ever met.
This overwhelming affection isn’t authentic; it’s a calculated strategy to regain control. They’re rewarding you for staying and teaching you that compliance brings love. The intensity is designed to confuse you and make you forget recent problems.
Genuine affection develops gradually and consistently. Extreme swings between cruelty and excessive sweetness signal manipulation, not real love or commitment to the relationship.
9. Escalating Drama and Conflict Seeking
Some narcissists create chaos intentionally when losing control. They’ll pick fights over nothing, bring up past issues constantly, or manufacture crises that demand your attention. Every day feels like walking through an emotional minefield.
Drama serves multiple purposes: it keeps you off-balance, distracts from their bad behavior, and ensures they remain the center of attention. You’re too busy managing emergencies to notice patterns or plan your exit.
Peaceful, stable relationships don’t involve constant turmoil. If every interaction feels exhausting and unpredictable, you’re likely dealing with someone who weaponizes chaos to maintain dominance over your life.
10. Emotional Blackmail and Guilt Trips
They’ll make you feel responsible for their happiness, mental health, or even survival. Statements like “After everything I’ve done for you” or “You’re the only reason I keep going” place enormous pressure on you to comply with their demands.
Guilt is a powerful weapon that keeps you trapped in unhealthy situations. They exploit your kindness and sense of responsibility, making you feel selfish for having boundaries or needs. You end up sacrificing yourself to avoid feeling guilty.
Remember that you’re not responsible for another adult’s emotional wellbeing. Healthy relationships involve mutual support, not one person holding another hostage through manufactured guilt and obligation.
11. Threats Including Self-Harm
When other tactics fail, narcissists may resort to threats. These range from threatening to leave, expose secrets, take children away, or even harm themselves. Such extreme statements are designed to terrify you into submission.
Self-harm threats are particularly manipulative because they place you in an impossible position. You feel responsible for keeping them alive, which gives them tremendous power. However, you cannot be someone’s sole reason for living.
Take all threats seriously by involving appropriate authorities or mental health professionals. You’re not equipped to handle such situations alone, and their safety isn’t your responsibility to manage through compliance.
12. Withdrawal and Emotional Collapse
Sometimes narcissists completely shut down emotionally when they realize control is slipping away. They become depressed, lifeless, and unable to function normally. This collapse can seem like a breakdown, and it triggers your protective instincts.
Unlike genuine depression, this withdrawal is often temporary and strategic. They’re demonstrating how lost they are without you, hoping you’ll rescue them from their suffering. Once you’re back in their grip, they typically recover remarkably quickly.
Compassion is admirable, but you can’t fix someone who won’t genuinely help themselves. Professional support is what they need, not your continued presence in an unhealthy dynamic.